May 1, 2011
Wow! So much is happening; I don't even know where to start! I suppose I should begin by sharing the sad news that my Grandfather on my mother's side died this past Tuesday; April 26th. They held his funeral on Friday the 29th and gave him an Indian burial. Which, I'm not sure how they perform those these days, it's not like you would think, placing them on an altar and burning the body. But my mom said that they made a DVD of the ceremony and she's going to make me a copy. It saddens me because I've wanted to travel with my girls down to Alabama/Florida for years now so that my family can meet my children! It's a shame the girls didn't get to meet their great-grandfather! So now, I really wanna work towards saving the money to travel next summer not only to AL and FL, but also North Carolina so that I may finally pay my respects to my father in person and the girls may see where I once lived with my great-grandmother in Winston-Salem!
Moving on, my relationship with Larry is strong and we're actually making plans to move to Salt Lake City, Utah sometime this summer! Our friend Jared who lives there has a job already waiting for Larry and wants us all to get a place together. I'm not sure I want to live with two families in one house! It's not a big deal to me if we temporarily live in one place until Larry can work up a raise and once I finish school and acquire a job so that we can start house hunting. But Larry said he doesn't know what Jared has in mind as far as housing, except that he wants to buy a house. And I made it clear to Larry that I'm not the type to buy a house with someone else and their children! If I'm buying a home, I want it to by mine! I also expressed my feelings toward this whole idea of moving. At first I thought it was simply an idea in the wind that would fade away and lead to nothing but a "oh yeah, eventually" moving plan. And then when we all spent early Easter together in Thermopolis, the guys were seriously talking about this plan and Jared mentioned me babysitting for him during the summers when he has his two children. Then he began explaining how he's gonna start looking for a house for all of us, where Mikayla and Christina can share a room, and Shayla and Mark can share a room, temporarily until we can afford a bigger place. So at this point, I feel some past emotions returning and remembering how I once sold almost everything I had, including my car and packed my children up (which at that time was only two), and moved to Arizona with the man I was in a relationship with. Far away from home, a stranger in a big city, to be surprised 3 months later with the simple words "I don't know what I want anymore and I don't know if I love you."! I swore to myself that I would never put my children in that situation again! So, with these feelings resurfacing, I begin to hesitate with the excitement to finally move out of this God-forsaken town, and start anew somewhere far away. I begin to examine Larry, all that he's said to me, examining the road of our relationship from the beginning, and really searching through my thoughts and emotions and how I really feel about this man, and thinking of the relationship he has with my children, and how they feel about him. After all, I did make a promise that I would not make the same mistake again. Also, it's not just me that is packing up this current life and leaving it behind, for Shayla is easy, she is only 4 and is resilient, but for Mikayla, who is in high school, is whole other ball game. This is a big decision that will have an impact on her life!
So I ask Larry if he is really serious about moving to Salt Lake, even knowing he just got promoted to being a supervisor at his job which means he will be taking a generous pay cut taking the job Jared has for him. He said, yes that he was very serious, that Jared is his "rambunctious" side, that they are connected in such a way that what he lacks, Jared possesses and what Jared lacks, Larry possesses. He added that he wants out of Rock Springs, not caring exactly where else, just anywhere but Rock Springs. So then I asked him if he was sure he wanted me and my girls to move with him. He said, yes, if I'm willing to. So that's when I explained to him what happened before when I picked up my kids and everything I owned all for it to blow up in my face later. I expressed that I was not going to allow that to happen again, because he has a house that he owns that he can always come back to if things don't work out down there…I on the other do not! The house I rent is all I have and once I give that up to move, I lose it and if things happen to not work out between us, I have no place to go. So if I make this move with my children, he's stuck with me for life! (Not literally because does anything really last forever?) That's when he responded with how things are working great for us here, now why wouldn't they work there? I told him that people change, things change unexpectedly; I was alone with no friends or family, a thousand miles from "home" when I was told after a 12 month relationship that he didn't know if he loved me and didn't know what he wanted anymore! So I have a hard time believing that there are any guarantees or promises that won't be broken when it comes to that thing called love! I told him how I love him with all my heart and soul and no one has ever given me such happiness and joy, and I would follow him anywhere, I just need to hear it from him how he feels about me because I know he is serious about me and loves me, I just need to hear him assure me he's not going to change his mind about me later, cuz it's not just me involved, it's a family! He said he understands and that he wants to be with me and that it's good how I feel about him. So now we have to make a solid plan cuz he has to decide on what to do with his house, what we want as far as a house goes to move into, and set a definite date so we can determine how long it will take us to prepare. There are other feelings I have toward this move that I haven't shared, like the difference between his extent of it and mine. He just has his things and himself, he's leaving his house, which he doesn't want anymore, and his job which he is glad to be leaving behind, because he wants out of the oil field. Well, for me, it's my whole life of belongings, my children and their own lives, my family, I have to change my education plans, and it makes me even further away from my other two daughters; Taylor who's in Fargo, ND and Melanie who's in Cokeville. I know there are sacrifices to be made and they more than likely will be well worth it. It's just the fact that I have a lot more to plan for and change, I also have to make arrangements to transfer schools for the girls! It's going to be a headache for me! I am excited to move and finally be free of this place that has sucked the life out of me since I first stepped of that Greyhound bus with my mother when I was 8 years old!
Mikayla is having issues with moving, although she has always wanted to move away from here, too. It's just that she knows she's going to have a very hard time leaving all of her friends, her grandmother, and her boyfriend. Those people give her security and they are all she has to believe and hope that there are people you can trust in this world. Being a recovering addict mother has done some damage to the relationship I have with her, so to her, she is leaving her security blanket, all that she knows and those she can always count on and lean on. She doesn't trust me enough to feel secure and comfortable that she's going to be just fine. And that makes me sad with many regrets and resentments! But this is our chance to finally move on and start a whole new life with this amazing person that is the first real "man" that has ever come into my life! We finally get the chance to live that typical American life we always wanted and dreamed of! She is also upset about having to give up the Health Academy she got into at the High School that lasts through her final 3 years of high school which helps her get a job and plan for college. All I can tell her is that sooner or later she will have to accept the fact that she will inevitably have to make sacrifices in her life, even when it comes to what she plans for her future because nothing always goes the way we plan them! I just can't wait for that moment when we settle in our new place there and I can almost taste it now, the feeling of such a sigh of relief and long awaited happiness with love, a family, a life!
